Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in cynical_eyes' LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
11:13 pm	Must Be Dreamin'... OK. So this journal has been an outlet for my madness, my dreams, and my propaganda for a very long time now. Annnnnd its time to bring it to a close. I'm going to make a new journal, one thats going to chronicle many facets of my new life as I move far, far away.  Its going to be far different, a little more down to earth than this was, and one that hopefully will showcase what it is we can do when we forget about the dreams_we_lost. However, you will have to ask me personally what it is.  My life is going to move forward, to great extent.  I dont want ghosts, I dont want lingerers.  I've put myself out there for all of you, at least once, or offered it constantly.  If you want to keep in touch, follow what may happen, drop me a line.  If you don't, chances are we will lose contact. Take.Life.Further@Gmail.com All I have left for you all here, is a note to anyone who finds whats here.  A song, from my favorite band, that will hopefully paint a picture of what this all means to me, and inspire there after. Before me plays the endless film Relentless splinters I recall Each living thing breathes life Only sentiment remains To Liquid born, from patterns formed The sand descends with blind intent Where the river takes me will in time be revealed I cannot turn my feelings down Beyond my means to turn my thoughts around Expressed in every word I will ever speak Brighter than all the stars combined More than the waters, Earth, and sky All that I wish And all that I dream Above the waves with my hands raised Dare the wind, lay claim to me Knowing somehow none could take me Wasthing the sun come up in vain The only reason I can find why I remained The need to leave the point I came to again and again It didn't matter how hard I tried It took so long to claim that I knew how Or what it meant to let go of this To ever say goodbye Call it destiny, call it fate Chose my direction: Running forward Each life to learn anew, whatever may come I cannot turn my feelings down Beyond my means to turn my thoughts around Expressed in every word I will ever speak Brighter than all the stars combined More than the waters, Earth, and sky All that I wish And all that I dream No creed on Earth can replace or provide In my darkest hour, the comfort I'd feel Leading me to see I can be more than I expect of me My beginning and my end The first and last air that I breathe More than the sum of everything that I will ever be
Friday, August 15th, 2008
1:15 am	Arrogance ( Read more... ) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
8:50 pm	March of Men Its nearing the time to close this journal. I still do not know if I will write a closing to it or not, my feelings, reasons, and predicted outcomes for everything I have done, be it the past few weeks or the past many years. All I can say is that when I make my next journal, its going to be a lot different.  I plan to have a lot of photos for each post, showing what I do and how I go about it.  I'll be changing my name, and really, killing this past in favor to take what I have gained from all of you that I have met, all of the things I have done over the time here, and shaping it into something firm and resolute.  I honestly do not care what people want to say or think about about me anymore.  I've been through a lot and I've worked very hard.  I believe that I am, in fact, a much better man than I once was, and now at such a level, can only become better with time. Be critical of me, think and say what you will.  However, I will not care about any of it unless you too can say that you are happy in your life, doing what you want with your life, and know where you are going. Unless you too are shaping your own skies, living your life to be happy, and to achieve something, then really, I don't have the time to hear what you have to say. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
3:46 am	I speak I speak because. I speak, I cry out loud, because I have things to say, That those around me will never hear. I speak the psychobabble of war, Preparing to and for an end. I speak from the mountain tops, I speak from the deep canyons, I speak to an audience that will never hear me. I speak the cobblestone of a mind, The corner stone of a soul. I speak because, Soon enough, I'll accept that I have to return to listening once more. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 26th, 2008
9:25 pm	Leave it to Ronan Of course. This is why I love VNV Nation/Ronan Harris so damn much. Here, where I find it so hard to find the perfect thing to say, he releases a new song in collaboration with other artists that is so fitting, it blows me away. http://www.myspace.com/imatem Listen to the first song listed. EDIT Here is a bit of the lyrics for you. I long to walk among the spires, The futile reach toward the skies, Celebrate what we deny, That the choice was wrong. Long to cross these quiet lands, Skies reflected on the ground, It all seems safe, redeemed and pure, For I'd lost was found again. What will become of us I ask? If this chance passes by, Our lives, We're living with regret, If this comes to nothing. To know we found, for us in this, A chance of some safe haven, With every step we walk away, Like we're gazing at the Sun. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
1:14 am	The Air Raid Siren Think of how haunting an air raid siren can be. That is, in fact how I feel a lot lately, that sort of anxiety inducing noise.  Like long, deep breaths. 34 days, 12 hours, 39 mins, 45 seconds until I leave this battlefield for a brave new world. It seems so long ago now, That I was sitting here, Taking in everything, Taking in everything, I stopped to look around me, As far as I could see, Across this precious land, Shadows painted by the sun. I don't think I remember, How long I waited here, Watching everything , Watching everything , My thoughts began to wander , Then I realized, Every moment I had lived , Everything that I had seen, Pass like this moment now, Pass like this moment now. Its clear to me as now, Is the moment when I knew, That I can let go, Its time to let it go, With it came the feeling, Strange I'd waited for it, I think all my life. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 24th, 2008
9:40 pm	Friends Page I'm cutting a lot of things off of my friends page.  Everyone except communities will be cut from my friends page, so I won't see or read anything going on in anyones lives until I get my next LJ up after the move. Anyone who wants me to keep up with them, will have to call me or e-mail me whats going on in their lives. Cell: 570 301 4300 E-mail: Take.Life.Further@Gmail.com (Comment on this)
12:21 am	No LJ cut cause I'm an ass. Victor and I went out to take a few shots to get a jump start on the photography for the graphic novel.  This one is my favorite of the set, the others are good, but we got a little rushed due to rain.  Hopefully him and I will have another day to do more soon, so I can have the perfect shots for the scene we were testing here. This was a good move though.  We learned exactly how to work the camera for the lighting we had going and everything.  Everything will be in place in time for the photo shoot coming up, thank the stars. Vic is the shit, I love him.  The hammer is definitely his penis. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 21st, 2008
11:30 am	For once, I find myself seeing beyond what my soul can contain, Revealing through time, The resounding feelings that will always remain. For once, I stop the world for myself, Revealing without time, The many things I can be capable of. For once, I walk the frozen cities, Abusing time, To see the limits I've missed. "I'm just trying to survive,       And perhaps I'll dream again..." (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 20th, 2008
11:19 pm	Stall... I still really need to post, but its still hard for me to gather some of my thoughts on everything. That and I'm my usual overworked self. Given time, I'll have it all here for you. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 14th, 2008
2:44 am	(Comment on this)
Saturday, July 12th, 2008
12:49 am	Interjection Just a heads up, the current idea for the graphic novel's photoshoot is August 8th and 9th, which is a Friday and Saturday. Anyone who wants to lend a hand or be in the shoot, please let me know if you can make that date! I have a day or two before I need to make the date concrete, so I will be contacting people and making plans! I need the models that I have already spoken to, as well as anyone who can do a bit of on the spot sewing, a knack for photography, and what the hell, anyone who just wants to see this all come together! Pleaseeee let me know as soon as possible! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 11th, 2008
9:08 am	No White Flag I need to write what happened of the past few days, but I am still way to frazzled to be anywhere near coherent to write about any of it. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
3:40 am	I love... I love learning, about myself as a person, and as to where I am headed in life. Its why I don't get mad anymore about, well, pretty much anything. When I make mistakes, I want to be told, repeatedly, and have my faults made well known to me. Its hard though. Something I learned through my relationship with Shelby, whom I often described to friends as dating an earlier version of myself, is that sometimes, I am far too deep into my own wounds to see anything but just that. I focus on my issues and forget that there are great people there trying to save me from my own undoing. Shelby was like that when I dated her, I could tell her the sweetest thing and it would be like setting off a bomb. Not anyones fault really, she has the same problems I had that has RUINED my best chances at love that I have had, and it takes a helluva long time to get past all of those. I just hope she does not lose those closest to her over that time. A safety mechanism in the human mind is to revert pain, sadness, into rage, and hatred. Pushing away, building up a wall of thrones against a person in order to remove them easier from the aching mind. I find myself unable to do so. Love is love, I look at the best rather than the worst as best I can, when I am not being assaulted by my own slowly dissolving issues. Anyone close to me knows that Shaina is the only person in my past that I dont talk to anymore, and that is of her own accord, not mine. The rest of my long standing relationships with people have been transformed into some of my closest friends and most trusted confidants. I will probably make another post when I get back home, filling in what happens here in NYC. Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins - The Everlasting Gaze (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 6th, 2008
8:10 pm	Oh man... Going through old crap to be ready for the move, I found the old hand written list of songs I wanted as a sound track for my "The Rings of Saturn" story I was writing wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy long ago. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrUIYzSycIA Listen to that, seriously, all of it. Its bad ass, and I've been looking for this version of this speech for a looooong time now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 29th, 2008
10:59 am	zug zug Well, I'm working over 50 hours a week lately. Great money, but hey, kinda want to you know, have more than five mins of free time. In the mean time, I just bought more crap for my camera, filters, remote, and a new lens. As soon as I get the remote, I'll get the trailer photos needed of me done, since I can't find a single person that wants to actually come out and help. Oh yeah, everyone wants to be in the thing as a character or voice actor, but no one wants to actually come out and help. ajndfgkajnglkjan Stress levels are higher than they have been in months and months. But, I hammered out that I am moving August 29th. I'll buy the plane ticket as soon as I shuffle some funds around my bank. So, about sixty days to go, and then I'll be out of here, with a brand new life, and a brave new world. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
10:18 am	Buy it, use it, break it, fix it, Trash it, change it, Melt - upgrade it, Charge it, Pawn it, zoom it, press it, Snap it, work it, quick - erase it, Write it, get it, paste it, save it, Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it, Plug it, play it, burn it, drip it, Drag it, drop it, zip - unzip it, Lock it, fill it, call it, find it, View it, colour, jam - unlock it, Surf it, scroll it, Pose it, click it, Cross it, crack it, Switch- update it, Name it, rate it, tune it, print it, Scan it, send it, fax - rename it, Touch it, bring it, Bey it, watch it, Stop it, leave it, stop - format it. 8D (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
10:34 pm	Story... Yeah, so the other week while working on the graphic novel, I thought that my world will need things that we have today as normal things to be redefined, as the world will have re-progressed differently. Take for instance, a shower. Something that is such a simple idea for us, could have been created differently. Which I have done! I'm not ready to reveal the whole thing yet, but I plan to write a little snippet about it for all to read as soon as I have the whole system hammered out. But rest assured, its pretty cool. I wish I could actually build one, maybe years from now when I've my own home. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 16th, 2008
11:40 pm	Sympathy for the Devil... "Call the ships to Port", or my final clearing up of loose ends in this area before I move, is a daunting thing in itself. It feels like I'm doing something bad, even though I'm not. As if I were a normal guy robbing a bank, standing at the teller, about to pull my gun and thinking...should I really go through with this? In the case of my life, yes, I should. Not just should, but have to. I don't want to have even the shadow of a regret, its as necessary as air for me. Some of it has been said, some I'm waiting for the opportunity to say it, knowing it will not be of large consequence. Others, are ready for me to really stop hesitating, stop fearing the outcome, and talk about. One final one, one large thing in my life that I want to do at least one small testament to, I am still unsure if I should or not. Just because it would be like giving an alcoholic money, he would just go spend it on booze. If I do that one thing, I don't know if its meaning would be lost, because I am coming to grips that some people just never learn how to get past themselves, even when their skeletons are brought into the open. Case in point. I went upstairs to get some yummy chocolate milk. I brought up an empty glass from before, seeing the dishwasher was full, I placed the cup in the sink for now. Jim, my mothers arrogant husband, snapped into action with yelling at me for not washing the cup on the spot. Swearing at me and everything. So I looked at the cup, and thought, now would be a good time to work on this whole history of problems with the man. I looked at him, walked over to the counter, and asked him to calm down. I tried to ask him to talk to me calmly, rationally, like a normal person for once. He would not do a damn thing but keep yelling, telling me how ungrateful I am, how I use everyone, (funny considering I spent probably sixty or so dollars on my friend Andrew this week on dinners and gas to help him out since he was down) how I am a parasite that will never make it on my own. I told him that if he thinks that, alright, I'm moving in two months, and that if he wants to keep yelling at me, then I will just stay in my little nook till then, going about my business. All I want was to come to some sort of common ground, to be friends with the man, and sort shit out so I can say, that somewhere, I have a family. That I am in fact, not alone in the world right now, that someone cares in a way deeper than most people I just simply know. He still ranted and raved, huffed and puffed in epic manner, and would not calm down. I couldn't believe it, and this is exactly what I hate about people. I will sit down, listen, and talk about something with people, open mindedly. But there are many, many people like Jim out there, who no matter what you say to them, gentlemanly or not, they will still holler as if screaming, intimidation, is the only way to sway someones opinion. So I threw my hands up, and turned to go back downstairs. I looked at him and said, hey, I tried, just stay out of my way then. He got up and walked over toward the door, and I seriously thought for a moment that he was going to start a fight with me, and I seriously started looking at his throat to punch if he DARED raise a hand to me. Be it, I like being peaceful and all, but if he were to ever hit me, I would remind him that I am human too, and that it fucking hurts. He seemed to realize though, that he was losing the argument, making an ass out of himself in the process. He went and sat back down, and I told him, look, I have a high amount of respect for you, but I think you're an asshole. He told me that its OK that people may think that of him, where I said, why? Why would you want someone to think that. I then explained how I urge people to tell me if I am doing anything that bothers them, so I can fix it for them. I want to be the good guy, the best guy, actually. I just ask that people be polite about it, in the least, or I really wont respond much to it until they realize how to be civilized. He finally calmed down, and I went back downstairs. I dont really think this is progress, but I asked him, that if I really didnt care at all, all I had to do was just hide out and live my life as I have always done until the move. I think I broke some ground with him. The big hit for my family though, is going to come when I go to see Garance when she is back from France. I plan to leave a note detailing how over the years I feel that I have been generally abused, and with that, the time left before the move noting that they have that amount of time left to either work things out with me, or just forget about me. I don't want to be a part of a family that does what they do to me, at all, even if they don't realize it, they have little time left to do so. Its hard though. I love the idea of family, and the only time I ever felt I was a part of one is when I was with Charity, cause her family was always there for me, and helped me constantly. But the days go on, and I find myself growing a bit more misanthropic here and there. I don't know where that will lead me, but I may find myself with my family that I have now behind me for good, and that hurts. But I can't let them drag me down, its my life, and I will not live out their faults, their claims, and their shortcomings. Andrew (or Guammer, as we call him) has been staying at my house for the past week. He is going through, essentially, what I went through with Shaina, with the girl he has been with for the past while. He wants to be with her, but she keeps playing these games, and is really messing with his head. So, instead of leaving him be, I took him in, bought him dinner a few nights in a row, gave him my guest room to use, and just had a grand old time. It helped him a lot, and I am glad. I know what its like to feel like the world is ending around you because one person in your life has to go and be a uncompromising prick. The difference though, is that there was no one there for me when I fell from grace. It was the most horrible time of my life. For him, I was there, and I kept the man as sane as I could the past week, and he is dealing well now. But coming back around to calling ships to port, July will wrap up every last bit I have to. Its going to be the toughest thing I have done. The horrible thing about it, is that I am a logical person. Its my hobby to pick people apart, and see out everyone thinks. This being said, I already know how these things are going to play out. And I know one, the most important to me, is going to hurt like a bitch. But this is the path I chose now, and I can easily change it, mold it, refine it. Thats what this year, thats what being a Skyshaper is all about. Doing the right thing, even though it may hurt, but making sure, that whatever happens, it can all turn out into something absolutely beautiful. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 13th, 2008
9:01 pm	Neglect... I feel lonely and neglected all around. Thank the stars for Solid Snake though, Metal Gear 4 makes me happy.  It may be the best game I have ever played, in fact. More when I friggan feel like it.  :p (Comment on this)