I love...
I love learning, about myself as a person, and as to where I am headed in life. Its why I don't get mad anymore about, well, pretty much anything. When I make mistakes, I want to be told, repeatedly, and have my faults made well known to me.

Its hard though. Something I learned through my relationship with Shelby, whom I often described to friends as dating an earlier version of myself, is that sometimes, I am far too deep into my own wounds to see anything but just that. I focus on my issues and forget that there are great people there trying to save me from my own undoing.

Shelby was like that when I dated her, I could tell her the sweetest thing and it would be like setting off a bomb. Not anyones fault really, she has the same problems I had that has RUINED my best chances at love that I have had, and it takes a helluva long time to get past all of those. I just hope she does not lose those closest to her over that time.

A safety mechanism in the human mind is to revert pain, sadness, into rage, and hatred. Pushing away, building up a wall of thrones against a person in order to remove them easier from the aching mind.

I find myself unable to do so. Love is love, I look at the best rather than the worst as best I can, when I am not being assaulted by my own slowly dissolving issues. Anyone close to me knows that Shaina is the only person in my past that I dont talk to anymore, and that is of her own accord, not mine. The rest of my long standing relationships with people have been transformed into some of my closest friends and most trusted confidants.

I will probably make another post when I get back home, filling in what happens here in NYC.